Sunday, June 14, 2009

Father figure


I don't know how my father is doing. I haven't seen him in 12 years. I know I have a father, but I can't remember doing anything special with him. Just him and me, I mean. I remember he was always working and he never had time for us. He could never remember the grade I was in or which school I attended. He forgot my birthdays and called my friends the wrong name.

I remember one particular story about my childhood. Every summer, we would rent an apartment on the coast. My father would never join us. "Work", remember? But that Sunday, he came to visit us. We were promised to ride go-carts along the beach. I wore my brand new red clogs, white dots and all. My father hated those clogs, because he couldn't stand the tapping sound they made. But I wore them anyway. He told me I was going to lose them while riding the go-cart. I thought he just didn't want me to wear them. But as we took our first turn, one of the clogs slipped from my foot and I lost it. I didn't say anything. I cried in silence. I didn't want to hear the "told you so" line. The other clog never came home again. Too painful. I must have been 6 or 7 at the time. But it's like it happened just yesterday. I wanted him to comfort me, but he didn't notice my grief. 

When my husband asked my father if he could marry me, his answer was: "take her and don't bring her back. She does not come with a warranty certificate." Not exactly the answer you expect from a future father-in-law, is it? I think I laughed over it. What else could I do? My husband thought it was pretty sick though.. and he didn't know what to answer him.

When we finally got married, my father didn't show up. "Work".. again.. it sure didn't make me feel special, that I know. 

Some 5 years ago, I saw him while I secretly visited my sister, that I hadn't seen in 7 years. He came into her house and noticed my presence. He turned on his heels and left. He didn't say a word and didn't even look at me. A little bird told me that he says he has 2 children, not 3.

The last time he saw us, our eldest daughter had just turned 2. He had not even held our newborn. I have sent him letters over the years. Pictures of his granddaughters were sent as well. He never opened the letters. The pictures returned..

I hear he's happy. I hear he and my mother travel once in a while. They go on week-end trips. He reads books. But he still works full-time. He has no intentions to get to know my family. 

It is what it is.. That doesn't make it less painful though.


2 comments:

Ons_anneke said...

Dikke knuffel meisje!
Niet te geloven dat mensen willen doen of ze je niet kennen...(of alsof je hun dochter niet bent, je snapt me wel hoop ik.)
knuffel ik voel met je mee

www.kokenenhogehakken.blogspot.be said...

ik snap jou en jij snapt mij. Dat zegt genoeg hè lieverd.. xx